The Circle Of Life
Why do you wanna go around in circles? We do tend to go around in circles with most of our problems . We say we have a problem . Then we try to solve the problem by lending some logic to the situation , which most probably involves finding a way to clear ones side from all possibilities of self implication , or implication by others for that matter . Then would begin the endless cycle of creating and solving ones own problems . Someone wise must have said ( most probably in a much funnier and interesting manner ) "Once you try stop solving a problem and try to imagine it does not exist the problem may vanish into thin air"(something of that sort) . Time on ones hand is the biggest enemy one may have during spates of such morosity , you sitting in class and dreaming up , concocting up broths of feelings and emotions ( yuck! ). But times like those offer us the least of choices . You are stuck there with no possibility of escape , with either you there by mistake or with you suffering the insufferable as a means to a favourable end ( like picking up spare attendance ) . Well then there is the chance of you finding a way to brush away the boredom with certain enjoyable class room activities like - running a chat server ( passing paper chits ) , art design ( drawing nude chicks ) , cubism ( drawing cubes on the desk ) , astronomy ( looking profusely at glamour stars of the class ) , literature ( completing records/assignments ) or even accupuncture ( rubbing your leg over your nearby girls - highly skilled personel will only be recruited -- pure illusion ). Well how misleading and pointless time can be ?

Top Of The World
Going on family trips has been a tradition in my house for a long time . Taking these tours would have generally cost the world for the average middle class family ( of which mine is a part of ). Ah , but here comes the twist in the story . A trip in our family would cost only a mere two grand flat (or less for about 3-4 days) . Everything on the bill is "oss" , from the car ( mostly a toyota qualiz - good condition ,sometimes great ) , to the driver ( mostly young guys who hate to go under 110 ) , to the stay ( sometime whole town stays sponsored , including Rs 4000 poojas at the temple at 4 am...that was in palani ), to food during stay ( catch..veg ..damn!!)...and even the food en route . So this year it was the chance of munnar , a beautiful place my i add , to bear the brunt of our 'oss'al trip . The Qualiz this time was a mediocre one , but who can complain reminded that it was all provided . We get into the car apprehensive like always ,knowing in our minds , it is going to be 4 days of pure misery , sitting bored in the car , no one uttering a sound , sleeping off in hotel rooms , knowing not what to do . The driver for the first time , was one of the slower mentality . Generally i enjoy long rides , at a deeper level , putting my thoughts back into order , slowing everything down . Munnar itself was beautiful . The hills , the perfect climate , the relaxing mood of the place , the comparitively uncommertialised atmosphere . I walked around , climbed a small hill , laid down staring into the clouded sky ( surprisingly the cloudy day was pleasant enough ). Time was spent reading Godfather..Smiling.. anticipating each dialogue.. I read.. fourth time round... the chilling smile on Al Pacino's face imprinted on my mind . Next day we went on a ride , to marayur , passing through breath taking vistas , pristine enviroment (WTF).. Coming back i met the only girl i met throught the trip. Damn .. I need something to write about

Awarenes prelude
As I was riding through pattom one fine evening , enroute to my T.I.M.E classes, needless to say not on time , I happened t o see a familiar face walking by on the road . Looking closely again ( required cos I would'nt even notice a guy , even if he jumped in front of my speed monster , unlike gals whom i could within seconds place from my extensive data base , even from a partial view of the tip of their shawls ), I saw that it was my class mate Roshan . So I slowed down and went to him , and quickly realised he was excited about something ( My interest suddenly skyrocketed since it looked like it involved gals ).

"Where are ya coming from man..?"
"Loyola college.. woww.. it was fun (something of that sort).. you really should go .."
"What does it involve?"(does it involve meeting chicks?)
"Thats a surprise!!"(wowwww.. that means lots of chicks!!)

Now this started me on a quest to get into the next batch of the Loyola College "Self Awareness and Devolopment" camp , which was into the third batch (already full) . So everyone was excited about it , those who completed it were virtually jumping (hopping) around campus , meeting up with 'loyola'mates of theirs from the various batches. Mag promised me to inform me as soon as the next batch ( specially requested after the incessant demand ) , was posted up in CGPU . In the meanwhile the other three batches of campers were frolicking around , with enhanced people skills ( hmm... meaning hi's to everyone ) , boosted confidence ( read anugeetha's sudden break into class conversations and occasional group trips to the snack bar to have a sip-up ) , and newly made friends ( hema and kittu step into the kalapani for the first time in their lives to see roshan ) . Finally the notice was out , or on the way to get out , and mag rushed to me with the news . So me and kulu , he forsaking his college bus ride , started to run frantically to the CGPU to get there before the forms ran out . Mountain climbing , repelling , sliding , panting we reached the CGPU door . Ahhh.. the forms were still there . We were in . We would get to go to the famed camp , to improve our personalities , to meet chicks , to have unlimited amount of fun ( guaranteed by satisfied costomers )....

How it turned out is a story for another day!!

AwareNess II
As i sit in a class full of guys and girls who don't give a damn about me , i am pissed off to the limits of frustration . I am angry and i am mad . I feel like doing something mad . i've just completed a round of mad walking on ones hands on the road barechested on the road and in front of frightened and quizzical faced passerbyes in car and bike . As fucking bored as i was in the morning i was more and enough fucking pissed off for the rest of the day . lets see if i wanna go back to that place atleast for the promise of a refundable Rs.250 deposit , that was collected mainly to deter freaks like me from scooting the program. Peace dudes.

Winds Of Change II
I'm buring up the roads like always , like i have been doing for the last one year . Yes , i know i'm risking my life for a moment of thrill , ofcourse i know its just hormones and my age showing , yes speed does thrill and it has the tendency to kill at times . Now there is a wicked twist to the story . Yes , the handle is loose . Riding my sweet baby is like rowing a boat , with the right handle movable in vertical as well as horizontal circles , even combinations of in all the angles possible . Risky as it may have been , its been a blessing in disguise . Now as i ride , body and soul dissolve into the machine forming one intertwined mass . Using hands to manouver the bike is for the lame , horzonatal axis manipulation of long tall handle sucks , nothing matching the pure adrenaline rush drawn when forcing a tilt of the crotch rocket , with the twist of the throttle and feel of power on the outer thigh when lying to one side , foot almost touching the fast rushing tarmac beneath , both becoming the metaphors for life , enjoying it to the extreme . Getting back to the case of the handle , the loose link in my ride , my ride to paradise , my miniature pain in the arse . Finally i have found the perfect solution , till i get a permanent fix , the solution being carrying the box screw driver no.8 with me at all times , tightening the screws as soon as they get loose. Ahh how stupid my life sounds.. Sweet!!

Feverish
Twisting and turning in my bed , thoughts drift in and out of my mind , nothing certain , nothing too definite . I fear i'm hallucinating . The heat in the room , windows closed , no fan makes me sweat , the sheets drenched . I need to stop this fever in its tracks . I cant afford to be down with fever this week . I still got some more things to do for meenu's party , need to get a chicken get some balloons and stuff. I hope i rub off the fever before the party .. I dont want the whole plan to be destroyed because of me. Lets see how it turns out.

Ladies' Day Out
Today is Attukal pongala. Now this phenomenon is one on the rising track. Each year hundreds of thousands of devout women from in and around thiruvananthapuram and even from other districts and tamil nadu come to the capital city to prove their devotion to the attukal devi , suffering the incredibly hot and humid conditions the summer has to offer here. The number of devotees are on an increase, women of all ages ranging from girls in primary school to women in their prime to women who can barely walk , tredge among crowed city junctions filled with a somewhat surprisingly ordered ( just a comparison ) crowd of temporary three bricked stoves , laid on the burning tarmac of the city roads and pavements where ever available. People living in the regions surrounding manacaud and east fort have hoards of relatives crowding their compounds with coconut 'kothumbs' and leaves for a quick burn . Some come here each year , like my mother , who without knowing even vaguely the route to a freinds house , adventourously started on the task of getting through the mayhem of trivandrum roads which have a reputation of taking you anywhere through any roads, with me taking her through policed crowds on my bike , the sound of which warrant stares from the obviously conservative women lining the roads. Will mother be able to finally find the way .. I think she would .. she has this talent of getting there ,where ever ,how ever, somehow or the other. And in the evening I have to again cut through crowds of these insolent housewives , who would'nt know what to do when they hear a loud horn while they are lavishy traversing through middle of the roads , while under my breath I curse myself. Ah how I look forward to that trip . Why the hell does'nt mom ever learn the usefullness of the cellular phone ?

With a Bowed hEaD..
College next week is going to be something of a carnival , rides and fun , all a part of the game . Aracade gaming , Building design , i do not know what i'd be doing. Both prospects are equally interesting . Both have got their share of perks and turn offs . Both are arenas for showing off one's skills and talents , for bragging ,for boosting esteem and for gaining the repect and awe of peers ,on a scale unimaginable till now.

This maybe uncomprehendable to many . But face it . Guys always need masculine fronts to show off their egos and skills and face them off against each other on a seemingly mindless display of physical strength or skill. Gaming is as close to a duel most of us may get to in real life. Fighting in a real war may not be as romantic as it may seem on a television or in a book . But fighting in a virtual arena with warriors as adept and unrelenting as us is definitely something we could live for for ever. Racing through the roads , burning tarmac , skirting through rush hour traffic at top speeds in mean machine , seemingly risking lives (on mostly a 0-100 health scale),to respawn after a crash losing precious time to opponents , all send the adrelanin pumping right through our viens.

Unreal tournament , you are a warrior send to fight in the tournament . Your strenght and brutality are legendary .You have to fight , fight to show you are the best , to crush your enemies , to win .. the tournament.. Or Counter-Strike , with weapons feeling as real as any game ever , you could feel the M4A1 Maverick Carbine being cocked after a reload almost right in your hands your head cocking from the effort, you could feel the reloaded cartridge being jammed into the gun with the hell of your hand and feel the resistance of the cocking mechanism against your fingers . Bursts of two or three ,sending you back in recoil, catching the opponent in the chest and head , you running away from assaults reloading your gun frantically , desprately trying to stay alive till the gun has juice again to pump lead into the heart of your opponent . That is power. Power in its rudimentary form . You are a warrior , one of the elite....You are a virtual gladiator and the crowd roars at you "You are the best" from the aisles.. You are the legendary .. you are the best ... you are a Gamer...

Beginning Of Da End
As I move into the dark , crumbling , damp and downright depressing Civil Engineering PG block class , or 'Kaalapaani' as its called , a cold feeling grips my heart . College life is at another of its many critical turning points , which crowd the short four years we have been given to fulfill all our expectations of college we have been fed all those scwany school years and to gather lifelong bitter-sweet experiences , which we are supposedly gonna look back fondly upon later on in life . Three heart busting and nerve crunching schufflings past , we are still not completely comfortable with our home for the past two and a half odd years . Moving into the smart , dust free , painted (for once) class rooms we are filled with apprehension about the next three semesters . We are finally at the beginning of the end , accepting it or not , no longer a question of much consequence , with just three more semesters to go . Semesters one , two , three .. where did they all go , when did all they fly by . We are left with no memory of them , nothing to punctuate properly the vague mass of randomly flowing time , nothing to remind us of the passage of time , passage of the best years of our life . Will we all look back upon it , our college days , with longing in our eyes , just wishing to relive them , wishing we'd have done better in them , not done then some of the thing we had done , not said some of the things we had said , not hurt some of the people we had hurt ? Bitter about life , high on experience , wiser .. but better off?? , we stand on almost the edge of this vast expanse of a spectacular experience , a wonderful piece of life , and we all swear , swear by all our pride and self esteem , "Make may we our lifes a little better , break may we a little of our deadlocks with egos , speak out may we a little more clearly to those with us of our love , see may we more magnified those little things others try to do to make us happy , and try may we a little hard , just a little harder , to make everyone else happy , for us , and for everyone else ."

Friends!
Its holidays again , and the friends are all runnning around crashing lovingly into each others homes. Yesterday it was the oppurtunity of Anjana and Nithu to do the hosting , Lesksmi being drawn into the circle , through the unerring directions of anjana which made us land up in front of poor leksmi's house while we were searching for nithu's house. So in all it was an adventurous day , but in the end there was'nt enough time to visit Anju .

Today we have zoomed in on Arathi's house for a crash in . Who all are interested ,no one knows. Poor old me , who hates to stay home is definitely on the list , especially since her cute cousin is home. Chala is finally back into the 'Karakkam' Belt. So today may turn out to be fun ..on the last day of the eventful year 2004. Adios '04 .

We The People
We the people. It does catch the imagination of the population , firing up the patriotic zeal in the volatile minds of the youth of a nation ,which is still with bright memories of a fight , a fight of a nation for its independence. You sit in a theatre and watch Shah Rukh Khan being transformed from a Non Returning Indian ,walking around with his ever faithful aquafina ( how many times have we seen it in real life , so real !) and slowly feeling the fires of righteousness lighting up , slowly and steadily , finally manifesting itself as tear filled scene where he finally realises the hardships of the *real people* ,handing out all the money he has to an apolegetic farmer who can't even feed his children but treats his guest like 'bhagvan'. I have to hand it to them ,because this is one of the moments where the movie finally sets itself to a good rhythm and pace. From there on even the ever screaming ,wise cracking mass of mostly fist years , who formed the majority of the theatre population ,were silent ,sitting on the edge of their seats ,hanging on to every word coming out of the talented actor ,each one vibrating with patriotic flair and those coming out of the not so talented but gorgeous actress. The songs in the movie had everyone clapping their hands to the beat , showing yet again how A.R.Rahman can entice listeners whether he does more movies than we can imagine possible or not . Chala was, like always in a bad mood , but that did not deter any of us from having fun ,during the carefully constructed hoaxed visit , Roshan disgusting meenu with his descriptions of the dead rat and CJ late by half an hour like always . In the end though the bad acting of the actress finally caught up with the movie , destroying one of the *nail biting* scenes , when she with close eyes 'chanted' ,"please dont go , please dont go" , to finally see that Shah Rukh had gone . It was better , to have him go and complete his 'Nasha'(NASA) lauch ,ripped off from countless movies , but ripped off reasonably well. So no complaints . All in all the movie is what it says it is - a serious movie which tries to break the mould of masala movies ,one which doesnt compromise good film making ,just to make a fashion statement . Go watch it if you dont mind long old hindi dialogues which you may have heard a thousand times . "Sanskruti...Parampara". Jai Hind!

The day of the Jackal.
He came pounding down the dirt trodden path at brisk pace. He looked around with his keen eye spotting his prey for the day . His sunken beady eyes glared out from under those protruding bones of his forehead. He stretched his limbs and body menacingly , freeing it from the strings of long inactivity of the previous night. Walking up and down , he analysed the flat expanse of dry , rugged terrain in front of him . He picked his line of attack , going over his action plan again ,making sure that his chances were good for a quick and clean kill . He looked at up at the sun ,guaging the time by its diuranal motion. The time was near,he could feel it . The day was hot . He licked his lips , feeling his saliva soak the dried skin ,making him feel instantly better. He used his furry paws to scratch his itching neck . Turning slowly he walked ,with neck hung low ,eyes down , conserving energy , searching for a comfortable place to lay in wait for the right angle of sun and for his hunting partner for the day to come . He sat there hidden from view from his prey , making murmuring sounds deep from his throat.

I was feeling tensed , unexpected at it was to me , it was making my palms moist in the mid morning sun. I knew I was safe for the moment , but I had seen the jackal come, reconnoitre and make his way into the shade . I could feel the tension among the other poor animals with me. They too could feel their time was close . Perspiration was running down the neck of each of the females with me . They could see that the hunter would go for the weaker female . I moved to their side and tried to calm a couple of them who were particularly close to me . I could see that one of them was taking long labourious breaths . I tried to calm her , or she would'nt have a chance at survival . Freezing in tense situations was a wide response I had seen among them . But today that would spell their definite doom , because the hunter today was as relentless and cunning , as he was fast in picking out the weaknesses in his prey.

Yes ,today was the fifth semester survey lab examination . The time was mid morning . We , a batch of two boys and 6 girls were waiting outside the civil engineering laboratory building , lazing around in front of the dirt laden roads . I could hear someone taking deep breaths . Turning around I see Anjana filling her chest with long inhalations and calm exhalations in a futile attempt to calm her jumpy nerves. Arathi was cool as ever , atleast on the outside . But i could feel her hand turning cold in mine. Finally after a while the time was here to see the result of what the constant conspiring of the external and internal examiners had churned out to make to make us sweat and toil in the hot sun and finally burn out our intellects and imaginations and still not reach a plausible result which may atleast lay to rest our fears untill we get out of the lab. Ofcourse the question appeared simple enough on first glance , but ofcourse , why would they do that ;give a simple question ? I had all the observations I needed , each of which i had painstakingly taken ,making sure each were correct to the nearest second .*what for?* Resuming the juggling i had left off an hour earlier, with the trignometric relations , on the plain figure , I used up all the imagination i could muster to improvise towards , at the least , a plausible answer. But needless to say nothing came out of the skillful manipulations and assumptions I made to dupe the examiner into overestimating my mathematical talents .

In the end I was probably better off than the others, Anjana having to manufacture readings and most others way off the mark with their *genuine* calculations. Lets wait and see whether all my innovative *creative* calculation methods pay off. *Varaan ollathu vazhiyil thangilla!*

Winds Of Change
The wind was blowing at my face . Body rigid . Senses tense , at their peak , I fly without wings . The road comes on fast at me . As I take the curves I feel the force driving me off my track . I hold on tight to the handle bar afraid , the wheels managing enough traction through the slight jump off the uneven road . I give the throttle a sharp twist sending the bike rushing forward in the sudden spurt of power . I feel the adrelanine rushing . My arms twitch at the effort . My whole body tenses to balance the bike over each curve , tilting the bike, teasing the traction , challenging it . I am trying to pass the car in front . I go in for it . A car is coming from the opposite side . No space to go . I down my gear and twist the throttle . I fly forwards . I can feel the mean machine roaring in fury , majestically with its power. I go head on with the other car . Its is rushing towards me . I am besides the car i'm passing. I lay to one side , leaning on my left hand ,shooting the bike laterally into the gap between the cars . I feel the wind of both cars passing . I duck the rear view mirrors on both sides . Suddenly leaning to the right I'm back straight ..feeling rushed.. feeling great.. glad to be alive .. I ride on ... Its proof you dont need wings to fly .

WorLd??
So it seems Bush is winning the 2004 elections. Frankly I had expected Senator Kerry to win . So did most of my net buddies. But how can anyone predict what the americans would do . Now ,that its almost sure (statistically ,the television is blaring out),what is Bush administration going to do that is going to change the life of millions of people again. They have done it twice in the last term . Watching Rambo III , showed me americans at their hipocritical best . " What are you russians doing here. These are proud people,fighting for their freedom. We made the same mistake . We already had our vietnam ". And some years later we have American special forces running around the same country confused , cursing 'those damn' Muslims for making them part their loving families and fighting jehadis . Now whats left of a country that was devoloping by stride during the mid 70's . How long is it going to take to reuild it all.

But hey ,who remembers Afghnistan when we've got better Iraq(or I'raq for the americans). Saddam ,street smart, had run a country to its peak from god knows what condition. And in a few strokes of master manipulation of media we have 51% of the americans thinking saddam had direct proven contacts with Osama (survey just before the iraq invation ). CNN even had its own snazzy tune composed during sept 11,for a dramatic entry (filmie ishtyle) of the knight Bush. Both CNN and BBC covered the action enthusiastically(in the beginning).Then it just didnt stop.Hasnt,even now.Bombs going off daily,suicide bombers,pampered americans going back home after the unbeleivable stay in the ultra modern city.

Now where are they going to take us. North Korea has already been fixed on . We are going to have a tea party there for sure and soon. And when do we directly come in contact with all this. I mean India does star in most of the possible political scenarios drawn up by Americans(something like India taking over Australia through Sri Lanka in one of the ludlum novels!!),along with pakistan too in some of them. Lets wait and see. Hopefully i'll be in one of those european neutral countries by then .Enjoying the calmness of the lakes and gazing at the clear skies and holding the had of some future beloved of mine.

Reflection
Various things pass through.. Pass ..strike.. impact...
Oppurtunity..The key.. The way to grab it ... Flow .. should i go along..? Making a stand.. making a difference.. Thinking about it.. Planning for it.. Searching about it... Asking around for it..I feel like in a plastic globe filled with air.. Its falling.. its rolling along,taking me along for the ride.Even through all this crashing,i'm thinking. I feel .. I question .. Air blocks the violence..cushioning motion through... A bird ... flying... Me looking down.. the grass is so clear and there the hole is... swooping down.. faster .. faster ... still feeling.. still thinking ... the dam .. the bridge... i swirl around midflight... dart .. this way .. then the next... seeping down the crack ... i fall through... piling up .. rolling down the sides i go... Sitting on the edge.. ReFLeCtinG.. The glass so clear.. The mist forms... Then it all clears.. Parting... I see .. Holding hands... Skin glownig.. Eyes sparkling.. Touch... Trace... Kiss.. Feeling the warmth.. Air filling up ... Rising up ... the swirls dancing around me .. caressing .. Sitting on the curved piece.. Arms resting .. palms opening .. nails..Pulled back .. Arching for more.. I drift back ... Floating still on the clouds .. Where are the butterflies?.. Where is the warmth?..Where are the currents.. Still searching...But Closer .. Clearer..?!!

IdeAtiOn
Ideation.Formulation of a new idea. Its sounds good. And it comes out good too,when it does happen. Here,it came from Rahmat . She has started a new blog ,wherein others are permitted to show off their writing skills. The idea has worked and best of all it is original .There you have it, a bunch of CET girs out to kick ass on the net . Writing about stuff they think is interesting or just from the top of their heads,they bring out the magic of creativity to the otherwise plain landscape of a civilian mind . The oppurtunity does bring out the hidden talents ,I must say, of many . I have seen rahi,mahima ,nithu and deepti among them,whom i could descern from among the various posts.

Aah.. all that is for the good.Now , what am i going to do for the damn exams. Even though I have started SA , it certainly has'nt got me anywhere ,even if it manifests itself as a herculean effort, as compared to my previous ones. But hey .. what kin I do more.. Its still is about 15 days or so to the exams .. I kin always hope for a possible ,though highly improbable , studying performance from myself. Previous history supports the probability claim . But boredom refutes it adding a point or two to the anything is possible cry .Adios then

..Ahh me alone ..scavenging throught the net ..finding none.. ahh.. !!

another insignificant page
Computer is completely fucked up. Dad has to get me a hard disk soon . Or its certainly going to drive me nuts. Still searching for meaning in life , even though i still feel i'm, too old at 20 to be figuring things out. Next week , i can always give myself over to photoshop and try churn out something worthwhile after ages. Gym is not going as strong as i would have liked . I need a partner there . I need to push myself to the limits . I've forgotten the times when i used to do just that . Further more , nothing new is happening . Everything moving along at such a slow pace. How long can it go on for . I need to fix up my bike ,get it new indicators . Next time i get the money i'm gonna chage the crash guard . i need the speed . I'm missing the speed , i 'm missing the action . Where is life. ??

Wrong
When things go wrong , we begin to ponder . I am doing the same thing . I had done so much . But what the use talking about it after the damage has been done . Did it do that much damage to me . Maybe it is not significant enough . People forget things . Frustratingly they remember the bad things way more than the good . Thats the nature of man, I know . But its driving me crazy . More than it should . I have been talking about things for too long. I know i wont do them . Damn. When will things stop going wrong . When will I learn ?

FoolED
What a fool i have been ..to think i was better off than before. Did i think that it would all leave me.. It never will..It will follow me where ever i go... And its no one else's fault. Its mine..

Atleast she had the decency to tell me...Its brought me back to what i wanna be...Do i wanna be what i have turned out to be...Megalomaniac??Maybe if i deserve it... But i dont ... I wont kid myself into thinking i want to change. Why would i wanna change myself NOW..Whom would that serve ...
I've never done anyone any good. As far as i can see i have'nt done anything to help anyone. So i should just quit. Just ooze out of existence . I should disappear. I know i could . And maybe i will. Who cares anyway . It is kind of befitting. Whom do i care about ? Very few people . Those very few people who care about me . But that is fine .Let that be the way it is . I will get my new beginning ..Someday ...Till then ...Adios Amigo..

P.S. This was strictly the rantings of a disturbed mind , Please dont give it second thought.

FightClub**
Ok.So its been a week since my first fist fight of my adult life. I did not disappoint myself . But that unfortunately did not suffice to prevent disappointment. The whole incident has turned out completely disappointing in all the important aspects. I got injured seriously (which i would have never expected just after the fight ) . So I am going around with a cracked skull. My first fracture too . Ha . And that too in the skull. Its gonna leave a permanent depression on my forehead. Anyway I'll have to bear the consiquenses of the incident for a while atleast . The good thing- It cooled down almost everyone . Lets see where all these progresses.

twist
Todays events certainly deserve a blog entry, I suppose. Even though i was dreading it for a while i never expected it out in this magnitude. I had walked out of the meeting feeling irritated . Nasib's unwarranted verbal attack on lashmi did much to allievate my irritation. I walked out of civil ,to find a few others who thought along quite similar lines. But i have to agree with govind's argument. Comments about the adequacy OR in adequacy of the last tour oughta be reserved to those who were bodily present, and not those who pull out on the last day as a matter of principle. After some fresh air i had returned to civil to hear the commotion even as far as out as the civil culvert . This initiated me into a run up the stairs, leading me straight into the commotion which i had found out , had spread out into the stairs. Raveesh was being melodramatically being helb back. I later found that i had missed the best of it from all parties. Inshort, nasib openinly flayed pinky with his tongue ; Anand Das and nasib almost had a fite; Muthapa and raveesh are past the point of no return; Lucliky no physical harm done yet since tariq was ofcourse sincerely missed by a lot.

(events as of 11.8.04)

I mean what do they all want?
What is everyone waiting for?..I know half of the girls are waiting to fall completely in love with their prince in shining armour( just where are they?why are they ALL being held up?).
but what do the others want?...

Complicated
My life is getting pretty boring nowadays . This is only true if you take life as a whole. Everyday is good . But when i think about it ,it turns out to be pretty boring. And other comlications are rising up . Coop,saneer and others are bringing up old stuff. Bad . I dont have anyone to talk to about this . That is frustrating after two years of having someone close. One of the things i miss . Remember that for ever . What it was ,when you did have it . Remember the good things .The real things.

LastBloW
Even though the title sounds pretty funny,it actually sums up the story of my recent life as of today . Maybe todays events will make my life stronger,i may rise out of this mess stronger.But i sincerely doubt it. I mean why would it?

But i am afraid about the roles being interchaged .Will I once be at the other end,delivering such a deadly blow to someone.Will that be too hard for the person to take.Will they rise out of it all stronger,atleast RISE.But i dont see a way around this circle of life.Maybe its meant to be this way .What goes around come around.
In my case what come around goes around.Why doesnt enduring mysery make us want to dispell our urge or tendency to dish it out to others.Maybe it wont go the way I predicted,it will turn out good for everyone.Well in this case that number is two.maybe after stretching it four.the actuall problem now is ,i dont know what excactly to feel.Anger ,but at who ,what for?Pity ,for myself,what good will it do?self rightesouness,damn i'm pompous.

maybe all this other stuff i'm doin now will take my mind off things,and i hope i will pass my FM.And if i have more than one suppli in 4 someone please beat me on a head with the biggest stick you can find.And if i have none i will give you a treat ... thats my promise to you on this bad ending to a normal tension filled day of a 20+2 days old guy.

today
Today as I confessed to Shruti was a much better day to what has been goin on for me these days .Ashwina is after me not to go near Anju ,and I have found something of a desire to continue with the class.The class needs some brightening up.That will take up a day. And that is good. Tommorrow will have to write the economics assignment. I need to start the T-shirt business moving .With all those things i will have to get myself busy . Today my thoughts are quite clear. On what i have to do. Forget the loneliness and make myself as much comfortable as possible . Anyway Dhwani will come reasonably close. And 4 wont last for too long. Then nothing will matter for a couple of months. Maybe i oughta get to know the junior girls better. Maybe even the seniors . Now this is what i call a mirror reflection of me at 19. OOh!!

ohh what am i doing

fuck 'em all
Damn ...Why cant they see the damn thing . I mean it happening right in front of their faces. Why can they see it the way I see it. It cant damn work . Maybe even my plans dont work either . But let them bring out the damn flaws in them . We'll see about em .This plans got the flaws and i got em figured and placed.I began the damn thing . I gotta stick to it..Thats the right thing to do.Damn ..lemme go call someone....the net will Ruin me .Damn them all again .!!!

XploCiv...Bah
Damn them all ...been on a high all day ...wes up and rolling .... Mag brought me down.... that came from unexpected quarters... Damn who ever thought that would happen .... gonna take time to heal .. What do I do now... Do the sensible thing - wait. Wait till Gov gets the damn letter... it wes a mistake mixing my plans..one gets sour I go down ..taking the other thing along with me.Anyway what do i do next . I guess there is nothing left to do. Maybe remind myself of my own speeches and review one of my own .... get high again .... damn this power ... how to wield it??

LifE
..Yeah..it sure feels good.Good to be back into good days ,good moods,spirits.Finally it seems all ....not too wrong..maybe it may turn out fine after all now.Maybe it aint that something bad was resolved.But surely some things bad have surely lost their importance,their appeal.Life aint gonna be beautiful.Well it aint gonna suck .He asks me how i live like this dead.....Maybe i'm playin dead...maybe i am ....But I am satisfied....Last year ....started out with hope...how it withered out....Spectacular..hard....painfull.....what all it may have been ..it had been unforgetable..hmmmm..maybe not ...more of an experience....It surely may have changed me....but who knows such stuff...Maybe,maybenot.I feel held back ..horizons shrunken...still i feel like filling the space allotted to me.....maybe thats better than feeling all the wide and far emptiness around me.Damn why do i have to feel weak to feel strong.Power he said...Meaningless it may to me.How would others feel?He wanted it...Ofcourse i have never wanted it.It just gets me thinking what does it take to get it...? I ad said impulsiveness is the key to power....Devolop impluse for first the things you need ....then extend your need to power ....and go with your impulses...take what you want and want everything.Damn meg always sends me those sentimental letters...Priorities....dreams friends....All seems so flat to me .... Maybe my hormones aint the best thing that happened to me...Anyway one dream of my hair has gone down the drain......What do i do now....Get the most dam powerful bike around here...and kick some butt...yea..thats better ...gettin my damn spirits up...peeps ..i gotta run....gotta life to life ....latez...

^**)(**^^hELL
Rahi is Worried . I am worried .Ashwina is worried .Who is'nt worried.In their own search for fulfillment we all sit ourselves thinking about where our life is taking us.The poin where it Ceases to matter may come soon.Maybe not. We may see far down our lives if we try enough .Well maybe that is Stupidity .Well at this point maybe stupidity is more appealing to a soul searching far and wide for meaning .Why is the Air around me this oppressive .. I feel it down heavy on me .Well who is there for me to turn to. I would have never expected me to feel lonely .Lonely among a throng of people all feeling lonely . Why would they just disperse into a mist around me and calm me down . I need a steady,strong,fluidity around me.Why does my surroundings feel sooo.....cardboardish .Rough .Damn I'm losing it.My head is going into a steady continous stream of lukewarm thoughts.What happened to those hot impulses .I see through a haze of tears and vapours.Edges .How come i hate them now.I seek Smoothness...Curves ...and all i see are edges ,unclear ,unformed edges.gruff.Waves....I'm thinking of them .smooth.....Heavy ......Layers............One of em running of into the next ....................end ..now ......rise...spead slow...viscously ....lazily ..thick ...yes....throb once in a while....still spread....even ....melody ....smooth...sad..i soo feel.....yes...day rollin out slowly into the dusk ......Colours blending ...i hear clinking of metal ....how come they blend soo well soo easily ...naturally .....how do they do it......let it go on ..slowly ...yes ...evenly .....slow down .....buildup ....thump into walls....slowly die out ....like everything.....glistening eyes...smoooth ..let the tears roll down ...slowly ...down you cheeks...feel the cold on your skin.....and remember it ..........yes ....remember..........Blend

**#**
Damn ....I need to get myself into the knowhow of some real kick ass math.....How else am i gonna get out of an inevitable suppli....eigen and stuff is ok....now comes the damn analytical geo stuff.....maybe that and infinite would go ..... Hmmmm successive and partial diffrentiation ,......i guess that would all solve itself.... damn i need to go study

remorse
I feel remorse.....
It has finally happened..
I dont know what I will do...
I somwhow knew this would happen someday... Why did i let this happen.....
It was all a damn mistake....
And ofcourse knowingly.....
I have given my conscience away...
I knew I had to do that to get what i did..
I knew it would go wrong ...someday
And that someday has come...today..
It has all gone worng.........
I beg for forgiveness....
But i know i dont deserve it...
So I just keep my mouth shut..to the world..

hectic
damn...ma calculator.....why does the damn thing seem so attractive ta ppl ...
when it sits all alone dere unmanned on some desk...ppl seem ta jes adopt it
.... like it is cryin out to be helped outta it's misery of bearin with ma constant
banging on its buttons ..tryna keep myself buy while some boring lecturer is goin on
about induction motors or laplace trnsformations.....

whatever the hell happened ..i have been stranded off without a stupid calculator to do the calculations i dont noe how ta do anyway
anyway how am i supposed to study the stuff anyway??

damn i got my exmas in a week .... have flunked for three subjects in the
last exam....
i need to catch up on those ones..to touch up ma average and keep it
jes above water...... and i need to draw a complete record for a friend of mine...
i gotta do it .....i have to exercise ma image capturin talents
hehe...neway i'm like chargin 200 bucks for the whole thing..!!

damn ...neway ...i had to go out and git a calculator .... and i had to somehow get those fancy fx 100 ms ones from casio......and i had to get two ...one for me and one for mag......
so we got on a bus in the blisterin heat of the midday(yea it wes 12)....the skin wes like burnin off.....we changed buses and finally reached there....
bimapalli....
heaven for chinese and smuggled goods......
we started goin ta each shop and lookin at the prices......
...the prices were varyin......sometimes it wes 200 more than what we got the damn things for in the end...neway..out bargainin skills were a li'll poor...
anyway ..i couldnt get two fx 100's anywhere for near the cash i had on me....so had ta be satified with one 100 and one 82.....100 costs too much ....

and finally home after it all ..ma head is burstin..the head ache is killin me..but anyway i cant bring myself to study....

people round me

Messed up ..that ma life certainly is .... The stress is getting to me...tryna get the things right all the time ....There used to be a time I used to cope up with all the people i could get my hands on.....So where did that stage end....?Maybe its just the startin problem or something....it'll pass.....I've been doin it fer long now.....today is the damn world cup .... who'll win the cup....? yeah ..that kin wait rite.....hehe....

i'm confused about my doings lately ..... how kin i stay on the good side of everybody.....Damn ..why does everybody in the class feel so lonely ? i kin feel it....damn ...no ..i kin plainly see it .....everybody is just sorry for themselves.....i kin feel them think ... why did I have to choose this damn place to study for the next 4 years of ma life??It wes better i stayed in school ..where all my freinds are....Maybe its the problem everybody faces each freshman year.....maybe its the problem with our li'll class......

damn ...i think its the class thats the problem ..... we kinda started well enough the guys were bonding .... i wes gettin along well enough with the lot of them .....Ok then the problem hit me...But it hit me.....I'm devastated....But hey ...its my problem I will have to deal with it.....But what the hell is the problem with the whole class...?
We lack the common bonding factors.....Yea thats rite ..no one is finding good freinds....Why?....Nothing in common with 60 ppl?.....Ppl comin from different places,backgrounds,religions....but most importantly different ages....The age factor .started off low..But certainly it has taken its toll...It would have been better if the age group factions were small enough to stay just insignificant..... but sadly it isnt .....

The class will always have a leader or a role model..... the biggest role he or she's gotta play is keepin the class together...makin sure that no one feels left out and useless..... hes gotta make sure everybody is fine and every one feels appreciated....He cant be someone who is plainly blind or some one who just doesnt care or some one too narrow minded...but sadly the choice isnt always left to us to choose the right person who is goin to in a small way decide our healthy social life...another problem is ego...but that is a general problem..... probably the trouble when people who some how got down to such a low std and some who somehow made it here....and others who belong here....Why the hell do they have to make enemies of every body they can get their hands on....

Then here i have been introduced to a new phenomenon.....Hosteliers ....They certainly arent making life livable..... maybe its an outside perspective..but its sufficient to know they certainly are going to be a menace......Anyway who wants people always showin unity in detroyin bigger unity....Yea ..thats a good way to show our state......People uniting to destroy the unity of out class as a whole.....And i have found out that they have extremely short memory spans of the good things and tend to think along with the general theme...and a single person can turn the whole class against someone....in an etermely short time period.....

then I sadly come to the question of the girls.....Most of them are still sorry for their dismal performances at the entrance exams. There are some others who are too involved in their vesion of the world to understand the general flow of things.....Why dont they understand that people are different and maybe jsut for their better..maybe its the real better way ...Why cant they just change their narrow li'll perspective....
some ppl hate guts others hate smart asses such as me....others hate ppl who are too involved in themselves....Anyway there is too much hatred between the girls nad they definintely have got ta get their acts together.......

Infact everyone in the class need to get their acts together......You aint gotta get freinds like you used to have......freinds are different too....make new ones ...... keep them happy ...they'll keep you happy ........

universe stuff
yea....been readin about the universe and stuff like that.. you kin say it wes quite interestin' sayin there were things like consciousness and the physical reality and stuff like that.... who the hell needs to know all that .... what i need to know is how the hell kin i make a lill more money ... or git a few more interestin girls.... everyone seems more interested in how the millions and millions of neurons in the brain oscillating paralell some how stumbled upon the right probability of creatin the phenomenon of conscious single thought.....how the brain come about to think....why the hell wouldnt the neurons go off and think alone in each of its own way..?? like ...if the world is interconnected....ppl could like think their way into knowledge..into understandin of the world.i guess thats what the hindu sages stumbled upon through their everlastin meditations in the himalayas and stuff.... that creates the problem ....why didnt they carry on their teachin into somethin we could understand .. yea...we arent ready for this stuff....ppl who are good enough to know knows all the things that matter to us are jes too insignificant....why the hell would things like love honour , sin , etc matter in such a jumble of intertwingled probability theorems .... you see soemthing which may exist ..and then it may not.....who knows what physical existance means ...? how kin i define physical...i dont know.....what makes a thing exist??how does that come to be..... they say matter is energy .... yea....k....hmmm...energy held together.....then what is energy.... what do we exist in .... hey ...simpler..i do not understand infinity......yea strechin on..time.....?? what ..like each second is photographed???and they kin be accessed..if ya know how to git a channel throu to it?? then how come no one is comin to us fro the fure now then there also the problem of infinity .... but hey ...where is this all happenin ? is it just some thing like a part of some thing bigger....bigger than these trivial infinities... all these infinite probabaility worlds?? even inside these probabilities there are too many confusions fer me......why ...everythings got a why? where is this all goin? where did this all come from ?from....from ...from .... worse than the to question then there is the thing....static.....its all there...never came ...not goin.....pre programmed stuff...then too ....what..is it.... i wonder how the real phiolosophers coped up with these stuff....maybe they shut off the ultimate...and tacled problem from the bottom goin up .....or down ....what ever... anyway we got enough reality on out hands to be busy by tht alone.....but you definitely got lots more....what do we al want..more ...less??

FINALLY
FUCK EM ALL .....YEA ......FUCK EM ....FOR ALL I CARE......TEHY ALL SUCK ..... FOR WHAT EVER THE FUCK ITS WORTH ...... FUCK YEA ..I SUCK TOO...MAN I SUCK TO THE CORE..... WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO PUT ON THIS DOUBLE FUCKIN FACE ALL THE FUCKIN TIME.... HALF THE FRIGGIN TIME I DONT MEAN THE FUCKIN SHIT I SEEM TA BE FUCKIN DOIN'. WHO WOULD CARE ABOUT THE SHIT I COME ABOUT TA DO OTHERWISE. ITS ALL MEANINGLESS. I DO IT FOR THE FUCKIN HELL OF THE PURPOSE OF DOING IT.LAME AS IT MAY SEEM ITS THE FUCKIN TRUTH . I BECOME SO MANY FUCKIN SELVES EACH FUCKIN TREACHEROUS DAY . I DRAG THROUGH IT .THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I RELISHED THE FUCKIN PERFORMANCES I USED TA FUCKIN DELIVER.NOW WHAT ? WHO THE FUCK CARES? ME ? OTHERS? HEY ,TO WHO EVER THE FUCK MAYBE FUCKIN READIN THIS ,YOU ARE A PATHETIS HUMAN BEING ....A SON OF A BITCH OR A BITCH OR WHATEVER YOU KIN CALL YOURSELF TO COMPLETE YOURSELF INTO A USELESS PIECE OF SHIT YOU ARE AND YOU WILL STAY TO BE... YES....I'M A BAD CON.SICK ONE . NOT A BAD ASS ONE...WHAT EVER..WHO THE FUCK CARES... WHERE THE HELL IS ALL THE PEOPLE.IN LIFE THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SOME FUCKIN HUMAN PRESENCE.I CRY OUT FOR A HUMAN TOUCH.SOME ONE TOUCHIN ME SOME ONE CARIN' FUCKIN HELL ,SOMEONE OR SOMETHING I KIN FUCKIN CARE FOR... DAMN ,WHO AM I TRY TO FOOL STILL .I HAVE PEOPLE TO CARE FOR ME,PEOPLE TO CARE FOR.AND WHAT DO I DO TO THEM ?BRING WHAT EVER BAD I CAN WITH ME INTO THEIR LIVES..... I KIN FINALLY SAY I AM PATHETIC....I AM GOING INTO SOLITUDE

relationships
It sads me soo to see humans and their relations....or more the lack of it.....

Friends ,foes ,aquitances....all of them so fragile..maybe not the foe part...

All of us have friends(if you think hard enough)....most of us have foes....(honestly...you do rite?)....

what makes these relationships work...beats me...who knows....do you ....havent you ever wondered....What you could do to make them better..to have better closer friends... .Most of us feel alone ,left out....cheated out of love....and you have ended up concludin you aint ever gonna have someone to love.....

I have had my bad days ... now makes me think ...how did i get out....was it jes time ..or wes dere something special ...something...magic.....special....

Maybe have love ...you have everything...are you happy....what are you missin'....what makes you complete.. what fills you ....fills you wit joy .... makes you happy enough to cry....

everyones different.....maybe your friends make you happy..your girl,yer wife,yoiur kids,your parents....maybe its music.....maybe its something funny....maybe something trivial or insignificant like an ad...(like the emirates ad...askin "when wes the last time you did something for the first time....")

books?...sure....fer some of us crazies.... anyway ..how do you improve what you have ? how do you create what you havent got.....fullfillment.....craved for it?....

when you aint got frinds treat the whole of humanity as yer friend..that makes somewhat sure that you gotta a friend to talk to an be wit all the time....treat everyone like a huge monster .. your friend..hehe...

but hey ..i aint gonna give out my secret of keepin ppl happy all the time........ha..like i got one...hmmmm....makes you think?...sure think....hmmm .yea....thats it....not your style to think of other ppl....u sure? that i'm jes another arse hole....maybe ..but still....mad...!!!!

damn fuckin' her

what the fuck does she think.....
shes a fuckin girl for heaven sake...
damn... ego ....fuckin lot of it....fuckin hell lotof it
should be more thankfull for the light load...
she coulda been really fucked up....
they could fuck her up a lot....more chances of  a real lot....why?...
cuz of her own fuckin self...
aint too popular...none of the chicks ever are


butt....tit....she shows it all ....pride......well , has even got atleast a megaton
of it or what....deserve...question pends

ego...what ?
ego ....has it ?
yea..
like hell yea
fuckin a BIG yea

maybe she coulda jes shut up ...cried her ass off li'll after FUCKIN ma life up a lot...
ok....forgivable......fuckin' ...why i got ma pride ..morals ..what ever the fuck..

nah..she that type....nah ...fuckin never....
goes up ...ego of hers ...fuckin ego....kills a lot... can never respawn....

detruction i cave for ......comeplete ..nah....a li'll ..


         (w i c k e d thoughts .....running......imaginations ....wilddddd)

what ever...

pride
dignity
conscience
ego
values
what all matters to me .....having no idea about how to evaluate things....how do i do it?
how do you really think about something...
what do you think about.....
how it affests you ...
how you feel? how you think? what you think? 
how it affects others?
how they feel ...what they think..about you .....about what you do...


what is pride.....
how does it affect the things you do ..i dont understand this....why was this put in 
with us ?

think about these things.....these words

pride.....dignity......conscience.......moral values.......selfishness......pure obsession

what all do you want in you ..... what do you want more .... maybe want more for 
people to see when they look into you ... into your deeds....

well does your weightage conform with your real admiration of these terms?
what is the relationship?  ...well atleast is it good or not too bad in the very least?


what do you really want.....
do you want ideas....money;power;everything; nothing;just be like most others?

or are you too better than others?  want better ?
;satisafaction,memories;nothing of it;morals maybe,better...others.....
you live for them
maybe even against the others......

who are they ....we ....what are those terms ....terms ...meaning....what?
can you tell them apart the term and the meaning....convey a message....


how do you do that ....i mean convey something......do you ever do it;try to?
never believed in doing it;never believed could be?

is it possible to mould ,place someone else in your position......make them feel your 
pain you agony;your genius....brilliance.....;more often your love......


stop;nothing more.....dirty.....really dirty ....
destruction comes......destroys fields ...burn them down .....cut down....;
love;yes  right ......destroying much of life.....maybe..just maybe
making it habitable for a while...
well for what?  why do you need it.....do you relly need it ?

you say you cant leave without it......maybe not ....you never need it.....
how do you gauge it......
where is the limit ....
you ?
yours?
yours only forever and ever?
what is the upper limit.....ideas.....again others ...?


life in general .....what the ..........

we all are a little disoriented in this world .......maybe none so more than me....
you ...he .....she ...maybe ..just maybe......

why me
damn what the hell is happenin ta me.....

and only ta me......
why only meeee...???
it could happen ta anyone....
but nooooo....
it has ta happen ta me of all the people....

first it was the cheif minister guy callin a holiday fuckin thing ,ruinin ma life....

k.....that may have been fer the better (exams scheduled this week and all)

but thhhhhhheeennnn........the fuckin' college admistration guys couldnt get enough of fuckin their women or students or wives,whateva..... they go around fuckin' changin' our exam schedule and fuckin preponin' them..... i mean like preponin them .......to like four fuckin days from now!!!

fuck them FUCK THEM... they could'nt fuckin keep ta their fuckin ol' lives ,those fuckin' 'kelavanmars' had ta go around snoopin around our backs and stabin' our fuckin backs ....damn damn now i gotta fuckin catch up with the whole one and a half modules of b-tech first year education ....gotta soak it up like sponge...fuckin study ten subjects in four days.....like thats gonna happen....hehe...yea laugh out...
yea ....things like this kin happen only ta me.....ha ..yea the music...otep or rob zombie...whateva is makin undulations in my fuckin brain waves.....they are being blocked....damn ...i'm feeelin the brain waves and their screams intereferin constructively and destructevely makin up the rage i feel...... the walls are keepin' those amplified reverberatin frequencies in.....trapped in
IN

in me.........exams ....what exams ...tell them ta go ta hell.....

love letter
This is something i wrote for my sweetheart...

ohh ...my sweet heart anugeetha;
thou are the sunshine in my dark life,
thou bringeth happinness....,
into my grief infested,
pathetic excuse of a life,
i stand at this edge .....,
edge of this ravine ....
darkness loomong high  above me....,
knowing not where to go...,
which way to turn to....,
take my hand...my divine sweetheart
and help me float across....,
to ground staedy ....stable,
and leadme into your arms,
(and whatever ...blah blah blah....adult stuff),
and the life ....happy and gay,
with you ...by my side,
throughout my life.....,
forever.....,

i'll always love you ......

Feelin' it off the rack
I was feeling rage like i never felt it before.People looking at me with a strange expression,a bit frightened like i was on a rampage. If i could have got my hands on someone I would most probably have inflicted them with some serious injury. I almost smashed up my dads car . But thankfully i did'nt .but i still broke a camera and some other small things. The nostrils were flaring, eyes burning in their sockets,feeling fire in them,like a kernel full o red hot metal filings. And all of of it for no apparent reason .Or anyway not a really strong reason. Home made it no better.Almost throwin my bro off. Almost smashed up the telephone(but thankfully it got off with a few minor injuries to its head an arms ..jes bruises.Nothing broken i hope)...but anyway my only real past time didnt burn up in my li'll unaccustomed burst of fury.And thus will survive my off the roof telephone bill this month too.I dont know if it was good or bad. Then came the chance of music to turn me or turn me off.Since my collection of music is small considering that the global village has'nt yet spread its wing completely over this small camping of people in this dravidian coastal island where the aryan blood mixed with the dravidian has brought out a really unique people in the land named by national geographic as one of the ten paradises in the world.Paradise forbids a lot of things to its real inhabitants-the poor mostly double degree holders who reside here of the small wonders of the world ....namely money ....too many educated people ....for the educated people to exploit the uneducated ,unlike in the other parts of the multi-heritaged country once used to be called the gem in the british crown ....ofcourse your brain goes towards what many would call a dump of a place called India(But they are gravely mistaken.).. The music did all its wonders on my li'll self and in short left me twisted...linkin park making me rise to burning fury ....alien ant farm urging me to do the unrelenting....creed freeing my soul....and guns n roses bringing me to tears...then came puff daddy and faith bringing me down to the eath and respectable temperatures....and finally my fury was brought down in a blaze of glory by bon jovi....but was reminded by richard marx that it will be waiting for you.... Any way it has all brought me down to the point were i am writing something stupid.....for anyone stupid enough to read it.